You know you work for the Government when...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
Friday, June 19, 2009
CIA - computer indistry acronym
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit
-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit
-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Thursday, June 18, 2009
What is your favorite flower
Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together.
An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower? ”
The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’ ‘Ha, I wipe my shit with that! ’ the Englishman jeered.The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.
The Muslim replied: “Chameli” ‘Ha I wipe my shit with that! ’ The Englishman response
The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.
The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower? ’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now wipe your ass with that! ”
An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower? ”
The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’ ‘Ha, I wipe my shit with that! ’ the Englishman jeered.The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.
The Muslim replied: “Chameli” ‘Ha I wipe my shit with that! ’ The Englishman response
The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.
The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower? ’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now wipe your ass with that! ”
Letter to Mr. Bill Gates from Banta Singh
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought acomputer for our home and we encountered some problems, which I want to bring toyour notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account andwhenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****.I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what thepassword is.
2. We are not able to enter anything after we click the 'shut down 'button.
3. There's a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not functioning the right way. My wife lostthe door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',but not able to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' fromCAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to protect from the cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are you coming to my home tocollect ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoftsentence', so when u will provide that?
10. Hey, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad there is only oneicon with 'MY Computer', where is remaining ?
11. And in 'MY Pictures' there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.
Thanks
Banta Singh…
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought acomputer for our home and we encountered some problems, which I want to bring toyour notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account andwhenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field.We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****.I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what thepassword is.
2. We are not able to enter anything after we click the 'shut down 'button.
3. There's a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not functioning the right way. My wife lostthe door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',but not able to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' fromCAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to protect from the cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are you coming to my home tocollect ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoftsentence', so when u will provide that?
10. Hey, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad there is only oneicon with 'MY Computer', where is remaining ?
11. And in 'MY Pictures' there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.
Thanks
Banta Singh…
Shadi nahin kar sakta
Boyfriend to Girlfriend: Darling main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana karrahe hai.
Girlfriend: Tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai?
Boyfriend: Ek biwi aur 3 bacche…
Girlfriend: Tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai?
Boyfriend: Ek biwi aur 3 bacche…
Family planning
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, theyfind it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him:
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that tick sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!"
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, theyfind it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him:
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that tick sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!"
speeding vehicle
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir." Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too."
Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"
Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"
Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."
Officer: "The car is stolen?"
Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?"
Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"
Driver: "Yes, sir." Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"
Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.
Captain: "Who's car is this?"
Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.
Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too."
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